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Learning from land

I learn the meaning of ‘adjust ‘ when I first travelled in a sharing auto ,the Co -passenger making a place lifting their curves,men removing their hands and make a place for me to sit .

I learn the meaning of ‘care’ while going on Rickshaw and a biker came and tell me to make my dupatta in place while it was lying .

I learn the meaning of ‘compromise’ when a guy does not take a entry from Women’s coach in metro and leave that train and wait for the next .

I am learning the important things from life and i believe, we all are learning with all those little experiences and these experiences make the place ‘our own place’. I got many opportunities to settle to another country but I always find it very hard to make a decision.

I think I belong to this  place, this country, my home country and everybody feel the same when they have freedom to live,freedom to take decisions . Many times we all our forced to follow some decisions which we don’t like and we become rebellious,we put dharnas,strikes  only to make our voice raised.

I am learning lot of new things by living into the land of fighters, warriors,spiritualism,feminism,conservatism, patriotism, rituals  and a light of modernism adapted by families of culture-ism.

And this made me a part of my country and a part of this land

notesnowadays

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DARKNESS IS IMPORTANT

Droplets flowing with no intention of getting it back , they have no power to hold them again, they even don’t expect what will be the outcome whether earth going to give warm or coolness. They just flowing .

Flowing into the light,

Flowing into the hollowness,

Flowing into the pain,

Flowing into the happiness,

Flowing into the dancing steps,

Flowing into the smiles ,

Flowing into the smell ,

Flowing into the shine,

Flowing into the odds,

Flowing into the dark.

They are just flowing .

Then why we holding it ? Why we want someone to be connected with us when we ourselves can’t connect with them? Why we do not want to be judged by someone  when we ourselves can’t stop judging others? Why we expecting high from others when we can’t do anything for someone else. 

And who are those ‘others ‘ they are the people who once connected with us and become the part of our lives and because they can’t stay longer we put them in ‘other’s section’ .

Nothing is permanent in this universe and we all  have to pay everything only under this universe then why we making it hard for ourselves?  Why we can’t call our ex and ask what’s up? Why we can’t study at the age of 50? Why we can’t go and explore ourselves while leaving the 6 digit salary or more or less?why we can’t say sorry and be friends with our school friend? What this ego is about? What this uncertain respect is about? What this unwanted happiness is about? What this unsorted pain is about? What this unforgettable  worst memory is about ? 

Why we giving pain to ourselves when we can make it all good by our own , why we living like we have plenty years with us ?

What if today is your last day? Or tomorrow you never meet someone with whom you want to be in touch ?

What if all the if’s,  all the but’s went to zero and you live with nothing, what if you wake up in the morning and no one around you , will you still abandon some people in your life ? Will you still remain quiet and go to sleep ? Will you still not forget someone who hurt you and who are you to forgive someone?

We all are born with some goodness and with some not so perfect attributes,  we all are mutually dependent on each others , we all belong to one genre ‘humans’  and we all are best in our own ways. 

We all are like rains , flowing into the flow of world, want to grow ourselves, want to give the best of ourselves to others but we forget to work on our own self. 

Why not give us another chance knowing we can fail again but is there anything to lose ? I think No , we already lost the good of us and may be now we get the best of us while flowing into the flow of our created world, the world where darkness is important than light, where sorrows is important than being bright and where love is important than life .
And ,

darkness is important in life !

nidarnotesnowadays 


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Things un-portrayed 

I got a favourite hobby ,
Seeing you in my call list.

Trying thousand times ,

To make you feel special every time we talk,

Trying to hold your hands ,

Every time we walk,

I even try to lean on your shoulder,

To kiss you on the right cheek,

but every time I tried ,

you make me realised we are bestfriends ,

I got a favourite hobby ,

Seeing you in my call list.

I even gave you hints,

By choosing you first in the game we played at school,

my gestures are so obvious,

When I chose you  my dance -night partner,

Even everybody in the group pretending ,

Not to tell you what I feel about you,

I got a favourite hobby ,

Seeing you in my call list.

I know it is hard , 

to not share this important  feeling with your best friend, 

I know every time I lie,

When you ask what is going inside my head,

But it is much more harder to loving you,

When you donot want to be a part of this love,

and I never tell you ,

What you mean to me,

By hiding my stares,

By gifting you things  of your favourite color, 

By being ignorant about my own feeling,

By loving you each day without getting it back in the same manner,

I love my best friend more than being a Lover,

I got a favourite hobby ,

Seeing you in my call list.

And I listen to you each day ,

Making it my favourite playlist

nidarnotesnowaday

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Start living Motivated:learned Experiences! 

#motivation 

2015 was the year of dim lights, no bright sun, no moon shine  to smile,  no one to talk and no place to hide. 

I feel pain is not something you can feel when you hurt yourself physically it is something inside ,deep inside,making you cracked,not healed, and you do not know where to apply the medicine. 

This is something Mentally ,emotionally pain and you destroyed,trapped by this.

From being happy go crazy human you get into the shell.

Shell, where darkness is high, 

Separation is high,

And you too stay high,

High, to just forget where you belong,

High,to just not feel where it hurts the most heart or soul ?

High,to just go too far that no one can find .

From career to relationship everything comes to an end and I was trying harder to get it all back,

Want everything to be my side, 

I am not someone who cry over things 

So I keep trying harder to make people and my life all together 

But I failed ,

I realised ,

             Stop chasing your dreams,

             Stop chasing people,

             You have just failed and it’s ok, 

              It’s ok to fail ,

And if you fail again ,

             Then you are on a way to win 

              May be later but definitely you     are going to win .

And being mentally tortured by someone’s love and left, not doing great with my life , I saw my mother fighting all the odds, killing all the negativity and investing a lot on my education and I realised I am not born to feel like this . 

          My mother never make me believe 

          In fairytales ,

         She never make be believe in easy 

       Things,

        She always told me ,

        I gave a birth to warrior,  who fight 

         Not to beat odds because she 

           Belongs to all even but not 

              Feel like a loser.

 

And I grab myself , pick all of my parts and fight again , 

It’s hard to forget things but not impossible to try again,

Again to fight, 

         Fight for yourself,

         Fight for being true ,

         Fight for being loyal ,

         Fight for being you,

You can climb mountains,paint a wall,dance in the rain,create history,run faster,be a coder,kill the disease,

You can do any damn thing 

And you will do anything but never ever doubt yourself for a moment ,

       If no one stand by your side,

Atleast  stand for your own self.

       If no one holding your hand,

Atleast hold your breath for a second and start again ,

        If no one loves you ,

Atleast start loving yourself so others can know how to love you right,

Now it’s been two years some pain and people are still there but there is nothing which let me down ,

And if you again feel like giving up ,

See those people who does not have the luxury like you have,

Some can’t see,some can’t say,some can’t walk,some can’t  write but they all leading their lives so well and inspiring the world .
Start living your life for once because you already wasted half of it by thinking what not to do 
Be happy, run, eat, adopt a hobby,sleep and start living

nidarnotesnowadays 

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All is fair in love and war? 

All is fair in love and war?

I asked him every time  to get the answer belong to my heart .
sharp  thorns,

Crushed hearts,

Butterfly gathers when your name surrounds.

I asked myself whether to hold you again,

He come around and disbelief my way,

Happy messages,

Day-night calls,

Long walks,

Future discussed in a brighter dark,

Holding hands,

Deepened kisses,

The eyes opened and he vanished,

I again asked myself to hold him again,

Choking my self respect in a land of slave.

I opened my heart in a hope of getting smiles,

Eyes went swollen and soul got high,

Nights become darker, 

Feelings hollow , 

I gather myself again , 

Under the sun.

This time I asked myself to hold him again or get myself back, 

I won ,

Not his heart .

 Everything can’t be fair in love and war ,

Either someone else win or you with a happy half heart 

Sometime your heart, respect, soul got hurt chasing someone who can’t be yours ,

And sometime ,

Someone’s love is more darker than your loving them in a hope of getting them back !

Nidar

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Reality

Whenever people say ‘I love you ‘ 
I always ask them why . 

Why. Not because I want to hear some sweet- sugary things but to really know why  and they always tell how beautiful I look, how shiny my eyes are and so on and again I ask them why and they continue with more strong stuff how much I care about them, understandable etc.. etc.. 

And again I ask them why?? 

I donot want their validation of how I look, how I behave, how I speak but I simply want to know what connects them with me, something beyond the attributes , beyond something which does not consider ‘why’ and that’s when they think I am Annoying, haha. 

People always see the things which you will show to them and they see nothing beyond that , if you show your rude, bossy and busy side they will accept it or you show them caring, loving and comfortable side they will accept it too. 

It’s all depend how you portray yourself but there comes a moment where people start making their own assumptions,  perceptions about you. 

I am a human and I can be anything,

I can’t be perfect ,

I can be good as well as bad,

I can be the moon as well as sun,

I can be light as well as hard,

I can be easy as well as complicated.

I am more like the days which can’t be same ,I too keep changing with time and experiences.

Then the important question comes:

-Do you see yourself as the world does? 

•World think a lot about you ,

They want to know what that scar is on your body , they want to know the story about it but does not want to know how you healed it.

•They want to know why you smiling and how you can smile even in tuff times but they do not want to know how badly you got hurt and cry while hiding.

•They want to know how much you love someone but they do not want to know do the other person love you too.

•They want to know each and every possible things about you but they  do not want to listen without judging you.

And there comes,

-Can you be who you know you are?

I don’t know who I am because everyday I am exploring myself.

Exploring in a way that I surprise myself too with some of my acts. 

I don’t care what people think about me even those people belong to me .

I am hard to get and easy to keep and that’s why I do not belong to anyone .

I respect every relationship in my life , I do care for people but I am not the one who go ga-ga about it.

I want to be as independent as my mother is , as hardworking ,poetic as my father is and as courageous as my brother is and I think I am developing these traits too. 

I don’t know who I am but I am more of real. 

I do not fake about things or around people. I do what I want to do , I show what I am, I give what I have and may be because of this I sometime lost, left behind or may be abandoned my some.

And in the world of hallucinations I am keeping it straight and simple for me because life is easy but people make it complicated !
Happy life!!

-nidarnotesnowadays

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Fallen 

Is there something between us,

If it is then what it is ?

I fight with you,

I go messy around you,

I hate you ,

do you think ,

 Is there something between us,

If it is then what it is ?

I play with you,

I go -on dates with you ,

I disconnected myself with you,

Do you think,

Is there something between us,

If it is then what it is ?

I do make up on you,

I cook for you,

I sometimes done with you,

Do you think,

Is there something between us,

If it is then what it is ?

I pull your hair,

I shout at you ,

I cry with you ,

Do you think,

Is there something between us,

If it is then what it is ?

If you know the answer then tell me ,

What this unsaid story is about ?

Nidar

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It’s all about me 

Do you think about yourself?

Do people talk about how selfish, self centered you are?

do not care about it, you love yourself and that is what we all are searching, 

Let them say whatever they want to say , learn from your experiences , live your days happily no matter whether things going right or not, 

I do not care about others what they are thinking and that is why I SURVIVE!

I  am not in contact with people to whom I loved at one point and now they have a special place in my heart, I moved on  from the career changes to relationships. 
I do not want to settle with anyone or do not want to settle for less, I know what I want from my life and I do not impose this on any one.  I make my own decisions and because of this I failed and lose people which I never wanted. 

But what I understood is people are not permanent , you will lose them one day.

But what next? 

Nothing. it’s just me and it always about me. Some people call it selfish but I love myself , I want to achieve things which other dont want or I expect something else from a relationship . 

People always ask me what you want in a relationship , freedom? Space? Independence? 

But all this i already have , a freedom to choose and to say what I want  from a person , 

if I ever wanted space then why I choose a person to be with or 

independence does not mean that a woman is taking all the decision and doing things on her own . I believe in equality , I don’t believe whether a woman or a man is higher than the other. 

I have my own ways to choose things and surely other people too.

 whether you are a woman or a man you do not have to settle for less. This is your life and you have to make the best of it . 

I never regret of  my decisions neither I complain about things ,all this is about me and I know how to make everything in place.

Live your life the way  you want to live, lead it with passion and desires , you can fail at many times but you know what next to do !
Happy living 

-nidarnotesnowadays

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Be Motivated:Fight against depression-4 

Depression :something no one wants to talk about!

You are broken from inside and some cracks are not yet healed,

You are smiling but not laughing and there are times you miss the old you ,

You have failed everyday and must be wondering to stop living again,

You have seen death or someone just left you ,abandon you , betrayed you and you still thinking :I deserve an answer or a reason,

But I need to tell you ,

Yes YOU , 

You are STRONG,

Strong enough to pick yourself all again and  knowing that you failed thousand times but you TRYING,

Trying HARDER than anyone to get Yourself BACK,

Back from where you belong to.

You might have lost that shiny eyes,the beautiful smile or essence of love

But I need to tell you the UNIVERSE IS GIVING YOU A BIG HUG,

Yes , this is true and now it’s time to pat yourself  because you come out not as a winner but as a SURVIVOR from this storm.

Never stop yourself from growing,learning or never afraid from losing because we all are human and we can’t be perfect and 

    It is ok to win & perfect to lose

  

-nidarnotesnowadays