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I was not sure about Him

3rd Anniversary, 
Everything was in mind,

No time to execute,

I knew from the last few months

We were disconnected, 

But the love is still there,

I was too late to celebrate and putting all my efforts to be with you before 12 ,

Took the flight early,

Booked the cab,

All set to surprise you,

I am here ,

On our special day,

A day early,

And then I saw you ,

Coming out from restaurant ,

Happily,

With a golden wrapper (gift paper),

I knew you were planning something ,

I went to the cafe,

So you can easily manage the surprise with more time, 

At that moment I felt so important, 

At 11.45pm I knocked,

He opened the door,

And i said ‘surprise’ !!

He asked me “what you are doing here”? (Shockingly)

I replied’ I am here to surprise you’

He said , have you checked your phone ?

I asked him why ? 

I can see all the decorations , all my  favourite rose- candles,

I asked him to let me in,

He said again’ where is your phone ?’

My phone is in the bag and might be switched off…

I was in hurry to meet you , I replied. 

I switched-on the phone and got his message, 

     “I think I can’t live like this,

      You treating me like I am  

       nobody to you , not serious  

     about our relationship and  

               Neither about me,

   And whatever between us is not

    working . Its time to separate

   our ways. I loved you but I think

        you are not sure about -me”

I was in shocked,

I asked him ,

What went wrong ,

And then I saw a woman behind him, asking him ‘who is she ?’

He replied ‘No one, just a friend !’

She hold my hand and take me inside the house ,

Asked him to break the news,

I saw him with nothingness,

And he said ‘ we are engaged’

I was so numb,

All the thoughts,

All the moments,

Covering my face and mind,

He asked me for a drink ,

I congratulate them  ,

And try to make an exit,

While leaving ,

He grabbed my hand ,

Closed the door,

Push me  outside,

and said’ I can explain’ ..

I turn and looked at him and said ‘ happy anniversary’ , 

took out the box from my bag,

handed him the ring,

and said , ‘you were right I am not sure about you’ !

~nidarnotesnowadays

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Thinking Thoughts

I wish to climb high and see what is  into your heart,

I wish to sneak into your house and see what is  inside your mind,

I wish to fall from height and  see what love you are falling in 

I wish to be your words and listen what sentences you creating,

I wish to swim into deepest ocean and feel how deeply you are madly in love with,

 I wish to do everything again if I loose you some between 

I cannot explain what this is ,

A kind gesture of soft heart,

A straight smile of curved lips,

An covered body of  blood vessels ,

And ,

An unimaginable collision of you and me

-nidarnotesnowadays

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Things I don’t understand as human

Laying on the surface of pure Freedom,
FREE to breathe 

Free to dance 

Free to fly 

And free to think 

Think into the land of unreal real reality ,

Still not get it ? 

I too  not get it 

Still ,

Living into the land if Unreal-Real-Reality 

I climb into the SHADOW of my face,

Step by step ruining my existence ,

The blackness -darkened,

And I found ,

The SURREAL mix of life and fantasy.

Moment of transparent body  and hidden SOUL,

I get nothing,

Nothing to understand, 

Nothing to imagine 

Why humans fake their own existence?

Still not get it ? 

I too  not get it

Still ,

Creating living from holes of heart ,

PERPETUAL creatures demanding high,

I was just laying down, 

Staring the stars,

Watching the lights ,

Listening the noises,

Wishing things to get shut,

But the Reality of being Unreal give me life of Avoidance 

Still not get it ? 

I too  not get it.

Still, 

I  made another lie ,

To climb the oceans of salted-tears,

To put another mask of fear,

To get into the shell so I could not hear,

And to get it what I not get it till now , 

From the presence of mine here !

nidarnotesnowadays 

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Learning from land

I learn the meaning of ‘adjust ‘ when I first travelled in a sharing auto ,the Co -passenger making a place lifting their curves,men removing their hands and make a place for me to sit .

I learn the meaning of ‘care’ while going on Rickshaw and a biker came and tell me to make my dupatta in place while it was lying .

I learn the meaning of ‘compromise’ when a guy does not take a entry from Women’s coach in metro and leave that train and wait for the next .

I am learning the important things from life and i believe, we all are learning with all those little experiences and these experiences make the place ‘our own place’. I got many opportunities to settle to another country but I always find it very hard to make a decision.

I think I belong to this  place, this country, my home country and everybody feel the same when they have freedom to live,freedom to take decisions . Many times we all our forced to follow some decisions which we don’t like and we become rebellious,we put dharnas,strikes  only to make our voice raised.

I am learning lot of new things by living into the land of fighters, warriors,spiritualism,feminism,conservatism, patriotism, rituals  and a light of modernism adapted by families of culture-ism.

And this made me a part of my country and a part of this land

notesnowadays

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DARKNESS IS IMPORTANT

Droplets flowing with no intention of getting it back , they have no power to hold them again, they even don’t expect what will be the outcome whether earth going to give warm or coolness. They just flowing .

Flowing into the light,

Flowing into the hollowness,

Flowing into the pain,

Flowing into the happiness,

Flowing into the dancing steps,

Flowing into the smiles ,

Flowing into the smell ,

Flowing into the shine,

Flowing into the odds,

Flowing into the dark.

They are just flowing .

Then why we holding it ? Why we want someone to be connected with us when we ourselves can’t connect with them? Why we do not want to be judged by someone  when we ourselves can’t stop judging others? Why we expecting high from others when we can’t do anything for someone else. 

And who are those ‘others ‘ they are the people who once connected with us and become the part of our lives and because they can’t stay longer we put them in ‘other’s section’ .

Nothing is permanent in this universe and we all  have to pay everything only under this universe then why we making it hard for ourselves?  Why we can’t call our ex and ask what’s up? Why we can’t study at the age of 50? Why we can’t go and explore ourselves while leaving the 6 digit salary or more or less?why we can’t say sorry and be friends with our school friend? What this ego is about? What this uncertain respect is about? What this unwanted happiness is about? What this unsorted pain is about? What this unforgettable  worst memory is about ? 

Why we giving pain to ourselves when we can make it all good by our own , why we living like we have plenty years with us ?

What if today is your last day? Or tomorrow you never meet someone with whom you want to be in touch ?

What if all the if’s,  all the but’s went to zero and you live with nothing, what if you wake up in the morning and no one around you , will you still abandon some people in your life ? Will you still remain quiet and go to sleep ? Will you still not forget someone who hurt you and who are you to forgive someone?

We all are born with some goodness and with some not so perfect attributes,  we all are mutually dependent on each others , we all belong to one genre ‘humans’  and we all are best in our own ways. 

We all are like rains , flowing into the flow of world, want to grow ourselves, want to give the best of ourselves to others but we forget to work on our own self. 

Why not give us another chance knowing we can fail again but is there anything to lose ? I think No , we already lost the good of us and may be now we get the best of us while flowing into the flow of our created world, the world where darkness is important than light, where sorrows is important than being bright and where love is important than life .
And ,

darkness is important in life !

nidarnotesnowadays 


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Things un-portrayed 

I got a favourite hobby ,
Seeing you in my call list.

Trying thousand times ,

To make you feel special every time we talk,

Trying to hold your hands ,

Every time we walk,

I even try to lean on your shoulder,

To kiss you on the right cheek,

but every time I tried ,

you make me realised we are bestfriends ,

I got a favourite hobby ,

Seeing you in my call list.

I even gave you hints,

By choosing you first in the game we played at school,

my gestures are so obvious,

When I chose you  my dance -night partner,

Even everybody in the group pretending ,

Not to tell you what I feel about you,

I got a favourite hobby ,

Seeing you in my call list.

I know it is hard , 

to not share this important  feeling with your best friend, 

I know every time I lie,

When you ask what is going inside my head,

But it is much more harder to loving you,

When you donot want to be a part of this love,

and I never tell you ,

What you mean to me,

By hiding my stares,

By gifting you things  of your favourite color, 

By being ignorant about my own feeling,

By loving you each day without getting it back in the same manner,

I love my best friend more than being a Lover,

I got a favourite hobby ,

Seeing you in my call list.

And I listen to you each day ,

Making it my favourite playlist

nidarnotesnowaday

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Start living Motivated:learned Experiences! 

#motivation 

2015 was the year of dim lights, no bright sun, no moon shine  to smile,  no one to talk and no place to hide. 

I feel pain is not something you can feel when you hurt yourself physically it is something inside ,deep inside,making you cracked,not healed, and you do not know where to apply the medicine. 

This is something Mentally ,emotionally pain and you destroyed,trapped by this.

From being happy go crazy human you get into the shell.

Shell, where darkness is high, 

Separation is high,

And you too stay high,

High, to just forget where you belong,

High,to just not feel where it hurts the most heart or soul ?

High,to just go too far that no one can find .

From career to relationship everything comes to an end and I was trying harder to get it all back,

Want everything to be my side, 

I am not someone who cry over things 

So I keep trying harder to make people and my life all together 

But I failed ,

I realised ,

             Stop chasing your dreams,

             Stop chasing people,

             You have just failed and it’s ok, 

              It’s ok to fail ,

And if you fail again ,

             Then you are on a way to win 

              May be later but definitely you     are going to win .

And being mentally tortured by someone’s love and left, not doing great with my life , I saw my mother fighting all the odds, killing all the negativity and investing a lot on my education and I realised I am not born to feel like this . 

          My mother never make me believe 

          In fairytales ,

         She never make be believe in easy 

       Things,

        She always told me ,

        I gave a birth to warrior,  who fight 

         Not to beat odds because she 

           Belongs to all even but not 

              Feel like a loser.

 

And I grab myself , pick all of my parts and fight again , 

It’s hard to forget things but not impossible to try again,

Again to fight, 

         Fight for yourself,

         Fight for being true ,

         Fight for being loyal ,

         Fight for being you,

You can climb mountains,paint a wall,dance in the rain,create history,run faster,be a coder,kill the disease,

You can do any damn thing 

And you will do anything but never ever doubt yourself for a moment ,

       If no one stand by your side,

Atleast  stand for your own self.

       If no one holding your hand,

Atleast hold your breath for a second and start again ,

        If no one loves you ,

Atleast start loving yourself so others can know how to love you right,

Now it’s been two years some pain and people are still there but there is nothing which let me down ,

And if you again feel like giving up ,

See those people who does not have the luxury like you have,

Some can’t see,some can’t say,some can’t walk,some can’t  write but they all leading their lives so well and inspiring the world .
Start living your life for once because you already wasted half of it by thinking what not to do 
Be happy, run, eat, adopt a hobby,sleep and start living

nidarnotesnowadays 

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All is fair in love and war? 

All is fair in love and war?

I asked him every time  to get the answer belong to my heart .
sharp  thorns,

Crushed hearts,

Butterfly gathers when your name surrounds.

I asked myself whether to hold you again,

He come around and disbelief my way,

Happy messages,

Day-night calls,

Long walks,

Future discussed in a brighter dark,

Holding hands,

Deepened kisses,

The eyes opened and he vanished,

I again asked myself to hold him again,

Choking my self respect in a land of slave.

I opened my heart in a hope of getting smiles,

Eyes went swollen and soul got high,

Nights become darker, 

Feelings hollow , 

I gather myself again , 

Under the sun.

This time I asked myself to hold him again or get myself back, 

I won ,

Not his heart .

 Everything can’t be fair in love and war ,

Either someone else win or you with a happy half heart 

Sometime your heart, respect, soul got hurt chasing someone who can’t be yours ,

And sometime ,

Someone’s love is more darker than your loving them in a hope of getting them back !

Nidar